The Dreaded Anniversary

Well in less than one week it's here: the dreaded one year anniversary of our very emotional failed adoption. And one year later still no birthmom matches. I tell you, there are people out there with worlds of hurt and issues bigger than mine, but this continues to be the most painful hideous thing I've endured to date yet. I freaking know our time will come and it will be a beautiful thing, but here and now,(excuse my classy language) it just sucks ass!

I've done everything to take care myself since that horrible experience and by reading above it would be hard to believe I've done a lot of healing. It's just that its the rawness of the anniversary and the yet another childless holiday season that hurts this girl more than anyone could know. I continue to hear pregnancy announcements of now 2nd babies and even some friends that are on their 3rd since we've started trying. It's just a broken record sometimes. And I assure you I know I sound like one too (sorry!).

So to all those close to me and that I love dearly, I'm sorry ahead of time if I'm even more not myself in the next months. Please keep praying for us, that our miracle awaits us and that it happens very very soon!!!

Why Oh Why Grief?

I really am truly so happy for those that are matched and/or get their BFPs! It warms my heart, because I can relate to their journeys. By why oh why must it reintroduce my grief of not being able to get pg or be matched right now? Ugh, will the crying "poor me" spells ever shorten? It wastes part of my days and I feel like a horrible person for it. All I can say again is, thank the Lord for my hubby. He has been amazing today. Holding me, hugging me and ordering On Demand romantic comedies for me (I think he finally is starting to get it). Again my prayers are working for those I pray for that this is the time to make it happen for them (YES!), but Lord where do I fall on your list? I hope its soon!

Why Can't It Just Be "Easier"?

As summer fades and I come off of vacation, reality seeps back into my mind and world. We have been recommended to that we update our adoption portfolio by doing it digitally (eg. computer scrapbook program [wasted $34 on some complex thing]or online program). We have to be able to print off our port so we can then place it in the Office Max plastic slide-in paged book they provide us. So I decided to do Shutterfly and then will unbind the book. Great huh? Not so much. Lost my mind working on trying to make it perfect-computers are far from. Now $70 later ordered and not even delivered yet, social worker informs me another couple did it this way to find out after placing in ports (pages in Shutterfly printed back to back) would be upside down and birthmom will have to keep turning it back and forth to look at it. So now after figuring how unbind, hopefully Office Max can copy on similar paper right side up for those pages.

I have my 35th birthday next month and am not even a mom yet. Facebook is filled with old classmates/family posting 1st day of school pics of their cute kiddos and I can't even hold a baby yet. It breaks my heart. I have to do all this work to not even know if it's "good enough". I am blessed with some very special friends and family that have really helped me with this and thankful to that.

On top of all of this I had an ultra-sound last week to find 3 masses all together on both ovaries. No surgery at this point, we will do a follow-up u/s next month. In the meantime, my back and pelvis is "screaming" from those damn things. And next Monday I am having another "painful" EMG regarding the nerve issues in my leg. I don't expect life to be "easy", but keep putting a request into the big guy up there to let it be "easier".

Tough Month

Just a short post: I know this month I will be needing my friends and family. Lots of triggers and reminders that this time last year we were ESTATICALLY matched with a birthmom and thought we were officially on the road to parenthood. Saddend recently to find out the birthmom who decided to parent has been evicted from home and not in a good situation. Just wish we were able to give that sweetpea a better life and be a mommy and daddy. I can only hope and pray our time to be matched will be very soon! On top of that very likely there are masses growing back on my ovaries and possible surgery AGAIN next month. Even worse they can't get me in for an ultrasound until September 7th, while I double over in pain more than I care to. Yup, life goes on, I get stronger, but doesn't minimize my physical and emotionally painful moments. I just hope it's true when they say it will be all worth it!

A little update

I say little update, because it's just that. Not much to share. Was pretty upset in the past few weeks because we have heard nothing from our case worker at the agency. So last week I called her and she said it had been very slow and no new birthmoms in her region or Green Bay/Fox Cities. She said it seems all the Wisconsin agencies have been slow. She called this week to say our port was checked out in Superior. And I've learned not to get excited about this anymore, especially when its that far, because the mothers go thru our agency b/c they are open adoptions and we are 5 hours away from there.

We are trying to enjoy our summer. We have camping trips planned, Chicago getaway in September and lots of downtime with eachother and family. We hope to embrace this summer and hope that next summer we'll be busy homebound parents. I am just trying to take a day at a time, but I still really struggle and am tearful a lot. I am trying to soak in the good! Work is a big stressor since I haven't had vacation since December, because trying to keep my PTO for if anything happens. Our fiscal year starts back up in October, thus the reason for the Chicago getaway in September, because then I have to use it. But I need a mental health break! I love my job and clients, but I am what they call in the mental health field "crispy"-burned out! So that's where were at and appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers that we get matched sooner than later!

Father's Day

Okay so I got through another childless Mother's Day this year and I hope its the last year I have to say, "Next year will be different!". It was so wonderful when my mother-in-law got me cute sandals for Mother's Day this year and my husband wished me a Happy Mother's Day to be with kisses and coffee in bed that day. With Father's Day approaching I know it's really tough for my husband. In all four years of this, last year was the first year he admitted how tough this was. I bought him Father's Day card last year because there is no doubt he will be! And I will buy him another one this year. I don't know anyone that deserves being a father more than him.

I picked up our little 5yo sweetie we do PALS program with for a "girls weekend" a few weeks ago and she said, "Where's Sean?" When I told her working on the yard and we are doing a "girl's day", she responded, "I love you Kristi, but I am gonna miss Sean! He's my buddy". She made sure we called him and I then surprised her on the way home by stopping at our house to see him. She couldn't get out of the car fast enough and ran into our house yelling his name. She was so excited to see him and they proceeded to play Princess and Dragons in the backyard. My husband has a gift and is going to be an out of the world best father ever. I wish him a Happy Father's Day to be, because it will happen!!!

Happy Anniversary to my Hubbie!

Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary and below is my anniversary gift to my husband. Though personal, I post it as a memory and landmark of our journey, because he deserves a lot of recognition in the journey we have traveled! Seriously don't know what I would do without him!

Happy 6th Anniversary Sean Peter!
Reasons I Love You

1. Your love and passion for children
Sean when I see you with our nephew, nieces, Layla or any other children your ability to connect them and to one day be a father is crazy amazing. My heart literally melts. They look at you as a positive model and they feel safe. My heart also aches that we have to wait so long for you to be father when nobody deserves it more than you. When that moment happens, that child will be blessed more than ever to have you as their father and will be so proud. God has really blessed you with a gift and I feel fortunate to have found a man with that!


2. Your love and passion for animals
Never did I think I’d find a man that loves animals as much as I do. I love it when you sing and talk to our kitties. Screw the people who think were crazy because how close we are to our babies. You find comfort in them, just as I have since I’ve been a little girl. I also am glad our children will have this instilled in them too! I hope one day we can live somewhere and have a doggy too

3. Your passion to cook
I am one spoiled lady to have someone to cater and cook such wonderful meals. You are amazing the time and love you put into each meal you make. I love how excited you get about it when you talk about it. You are so talented and even more so you are handsome and hot in the kitchen when your doing it!

4. When you soothe me
This isn’t an easy feat sometimes. I know I am really sensitive and truth is, always will be. For the most part when I am sad you are so sweet and will draw me a bath or will reassure me that I am a good person and okay. You have become so much more sensitive to my anxieties and listening to me in the past few weeks. I really want you to know how much that means to me-seriously SO MUCH!

5. Your dedication in taking care of me
You take our vows of in sickness and in health very seriously. You are there in a heartbeat to make sure I am comfortable and okay. It has to be so wearing and I see that frustration sometimes. But that doesn’t stop you from doing it. You are going to be an AMAZING father for this reason too. Your heart is just so big and I admire you for that, because I may not always be as mindful as you are of my needs. So if anything please let me know if you are needing me, I want to do my best for you too!

6. Your dedication to your job even when it’s hard
You are very dedicated to your job and go up and beyond your roles
there. I am proud of you for being assertive and taking
care of yourself too. That is one thing I hope you work on is
finding stress management, because you work really hard and
your body and mind deserve that healthy relaxation and/or release.

7. Your love of family
You value your parents and brother with every piece of your heart. And now you have taken me in our own little family and those values and morals are so important to me. It is a huge reason I wanted to marry you! You are going to be the ideal family man and we will have some very lucky kiddos who will hopefully carry that onto their future families.

8. Your humor and silliness
What would I do without that freaking dorky lovable humor of yours? I believe one our biggest strengths as a couple is this. We could laugh for hours on end and just be silly stupid. I love to blow it up with you, sing karaoke and watch you do the robot-the list goes on and on. You are adorable when you say and do those things. I love you so much for that.

"The Pattern"

So as some of you may know I am doing some things to better insides and outs re: personal tribulations. And being a therapist I think I got it all figured out, but I don't. I am too close to the hurt and insecurites.

I have learned today that blogging and other networks make it safe behind my walls to update and share some pretty vulnerable areas and often based on raw emotions. I don't have to see your faces or responses. In person I see that I struggle with that, well I guess I do to here too. I fear judgement and I guess I take that chance here in the cyber world as well. As soon as I write a comment or think it to myself while in the presence of everyone, I fear your thoughts of "Poor Kristi here she goes again' or 'Gag enough already'. Then I realized I've feared that much of my life. Doing that I create a lot of anxiety within myself. So its something I am really going to have to work on.

I blog because there is a release in knowing I can share my story with those close to me and those going through similar circumstances. It's sometimes hard for others to understand that 4 years later it isn't any easier than the day we found out we would probably not be able to have kids. It's still just as raw. And now the failed adoption and waiting for another birthmom to choose us complexes it amongst some of the other significant grief situations from my younger years. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop-it wasn't until today that I really have become cognizant of that pattern.

I texted my sister the other day to vent in relation to some of this and she texted back, "I'm so sorry, I know hard this is for you". That's all I needed-no one needs to fix or say the perfect thing; surprisingly it wasn't until today I realized just how important that recognition and validation is for me. I am still learning about me and hope that I can get through the fears of judgement, because there is something therapeutic in sharing my story and sharing where I am at (especially with those I care about most). All in all, I really hope that God will bless us sooner than later and interupt "the pattern". In the meantime, I will do my best to better it too-thanks to all that continue to help me with that process as well!

I Do Count My Blessings

Yesterday was obviously a tough day and I from the bottom of my heart thank all that take the time to read my "Charlie Sheen" rant(lol). I do count my blessings-the fog sets in at times and its so hard to see. So I am taking the time to list what I am thankful for:

1)MY FAMILY-my sister and I have become so much more close in the past year and I think she is one of the most amazing indivuals I ever! She drove 45 minutes last weekend just b/c she knew how important it would be for me to see my nephew-she has a heart of gold. My mom and dad are currently vacationing in Florida and are taking all my phone calls to help me process through my health scare. My wonderful mother who has MS-is trying so hard to assure me I don't and if so will get through whatever it may be.

My in-laws are also AMAZING. As they enjoy their CA winter home, they take time each day to check on me and take all my calls. My MIL is such a great listener!

2)My cats! Yes, I said my cats! I know many aren't cat people, but these 3 girls are my savior some days. With my nerve issues my body feels like its purring/vibrating inside and its scary. So I will snuggle with one of them as they purr and it takes my focus off my own. They all know I am struggling because they follow and bombard me with love! There is a reason I did my Masters Thesis on Animal Therapy:)

3) My husband. I know I have friends that are divorced, not married, or not happy with their relationships that would die for what I have! My Sean cooks, cleans and nurtures! He's far from perfect (who are we kidding, look at me!), but I would be lost without him. As I sat in the ER last week and through that horrendous EMG, he stroked my head, kissed my head and held my hand so tight. I am a lucky lady!

4)My FRIENDS. Facebook is a blessing that I have reconnected with friends I never thought I'd see again and now they are calling me, emailing me and setting up lunch/dinner dates with me (can't wait for this weekend Sarah!). Though I feel lonely, there are people that love me even with my "crazy girl" moments. So a huge shout-out to all of you, THANK YOU and huge HUGS. That includes my Adoption Support girls too, you are all beautiful and amazing-can't wait to me some of you! And a special recognition to my neighbor Jenny who has taken me in, in my crazy moments and wined and dined me and checks on non-burning candles in my house! Jenny your positiveness in your own infertility journey helps me so!

5) MY CO-WORKERS-I am so lucky to work with therapists and really good ones! And all the other staff are there in a second for me! Even admin. staff has been so understanding and flexible-there are a lot of places that wouldn't be-so I thank everyone at work!

6) Our opportunity to start the PALS program-PALS is like a Big Bros/Sis program in Brown Co. for couples where we get the opportunity to develop a loving and mentoring relationship with a lil guy or gal. We just cannot wait to meet them!

I may vent and rant, because again I am human and am very jealous of all that can get pregnant, that can be active and have kids! But I am taking the time to count what I do have today and I KNOW it will happen. My age, body, and heart just hopes its sooner than later. I really want #7 to be, "I am a mommy!"

Hanging on...

As we are presented another opportunity, my emotions become strong and hard again. A sweet little angel born at 30 weeks is lying in a NICU surviving strong as we speak. Her parents have requested to look at our portfolio along with 4 other couples. Without sounding negative, this is too hard to even believe it could be us. I have to prepare myself for the "Sorry Kristi, they have gone with another family". The "it's not fair light" is in full effect. It's hard to hear that the our previous disrupted adoption: the mom is really struggling to parent the child she choose to keep, along with her other children. We would have given her so much and on top of that a continued relationship with that mom and baby's siblings.

I am trying to be strong, but the tears that surprisingly took a nice break are back and I just have to let them flow! And I have have to use my outlets which are my writings,venting and using my cherished supports. I may be a therapist, but remember, an oncologist doesn't administer his/her own chemo...I am only human just yearning to be a mommy!

Hope: The Experience
They wrap me with

“It will happen(s)”

“You deserve(s)’

But the squeeze
It’s not tight enough, within…

The only hope I bear

are through tears
and through prayers

I know
A mother I will be
Continuing…

To cherish my husband as

We yearn to breathe in
A mother
A father

You

All three

HOPE
I need you not to stand as a word
But as an experience

Deep
Deep
Within

Haven't Met You Yet

In the past couple years I have become a Michael Buble fan-of course he's not bad to look at, but love the soothing jazzy voice and glad to have found a jazz artist that has music that fits into my running mix. As I was running one day last summer I really focused on the lyrics in his song, "Haven't Met You Yet":

I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

I decided to gear those words to our future Baby Van Ess-it motivates me to keep going somedays. We have had quite the experience with Pbmom(possible birthmom)#1. She even said she was still thinking of placing this month and we haven't heard a word and have let go. We have lost all trust in her-not once has she followed through on any of her statements. Our other possible opportunity was a blessing in that she didn't choose us, because it is turning into a court nightmare with the bio-dad fighting to have custody of the baby and that would have been pretty hard on us after all we've been through and hard because we understand pbdads have rights too. We emotionally just weren't in a place for more heartache.

We are sad, but not hopeless. We understand this is the risk of domestic adoption, but to be told by the agency that what we experienced was one of the worse cases they've seen doesn't make it any easier for the pain and constant back and forth uncertainty we endured. At the suggestion of the social worker I added some things and a storyline to our picture portfolio. She will be showing it to a pbmom Wednesday. We don't get too excited, but glad its being shown.

February will be a year since we started this whoe process and really saw ourselves to be parents by now. Instead of dreading February I planned a day spa trip in Madison for us and then an evening with huband's best childhood friend and fiancee for board games (our FAVE) and a seafood extraveganza! We become stronger as a couple and hope our prayers are answered sooner than later. We haven't met him/her yet, but we know your'e out there growing or in the hands of God waiting for us!