Why Oh Why Grief?

I really am truly so happy for those that are matched and/or get their BFPs! It warms my heart, because I can relate to their journeys. By why oh why must it reintroduce my grief of not being able to get pg or be matched right now? Ugh, will the crying "poor me" spells ever shorten? It wastes part of my days and I feel like a horrible person for it. All I can say again is, thank the Lord for my hubby. He has been amazing today. Holding me, hugging me and ordering On Demand romantic comedies for me (I think he finally is starting to get it). Again my prayers are working for those I pray for that this is the time to make it happen for them (YES!), but Lord where do I fall on your list? I hope its soon!

Why Can't It Just Be "Easier"?

As summer fades and I come off of vacation, reality seeps back into my mind and world. We have been recommended to that we update our adoption portfolio by doing it digitally (eg. computer scrapbook program [wasted $34 on some complex thing]or online program). We have to be able to print off our port so we can then place it in the Office Max plastic slide-in paged book they provide us. So I decided to do Shutterfly and then will unbind the book. Great huh? Not so much. Lost my mind working on trying to make it perfect-computers are far from. Now $70 later ordered and not even delivered yet, social worker informs me another couple did it this way to find out after placing in ports (pages in Shutterfly printed back to back) would be upside down and birthmom will have to keep turning it back and forth to look at it. So now after figuring how unbind, hopefully Office Max can copy on similar paper right side up for those pages.

I have my 35th birthday next month and am not even a mom yet. Facebook is filled with old classmates/family posting 1st day of school pics of their cute kiddos and I can't even hold a baby yet. It breaks my heart. I have to do all this work to not even know if it's "good enough". I am blessed with some very special friends and family that have really helped me with this and thankful to that.

On top of all of this I had an ultra-sound last week to find 3 masses all together on both ovaries. No surgery at this point, we will do a follow-up u/s next month. In the meantime, my back and pelvis is "screaming" from those damn things. And next Monday I am having another "painful" EMG regarding the nerve issues in my leg. I don't expect life to be "easy", but keep putting a request into the big guy up there to let it be "easier".