I Do Count My Blessings

Yesterday was obviously a tough day and I from the bottom of my heart thank all that take the time to read my "Charlie Sheen" rant(lol). I do count my blessings-the fog sets in at times and its so hard to see. So I am taking the time to list what I am thankful for:

1)MY FAMILY-my sister and I have become so much more close in the past year and I think she is one of the most amazing indivuals I ever! She drove 45 minutes last weekend just b/c she knew how important it would be for me to see my nephew-she has a heart of gold. My mom and dad are currently vacationing in Florida and are taking all my phone calls to help me process through my health scare. My wonderful mother who has MS-is trying so hard to assure me I don't and if so will get through whatever it may be.

My in-laws are also AMAZING. As they enjoy their CA winter home, they take time each day to check on me and take all my calls. My MIL is such a great listener!

2)My cats! Yes, I said my cats! I know many aren't cat people, but these 3 girls are my savior some days. With my nerve issues my body feels like its purring/vibrating inside and its scary. So I will snuggle with one of them as they purr and it takes my focus off my own. They all know I am struggling because they follow and bombard me with love! There is a reason I did my Masters Thesis on Animal Therapy:)

3) My husband. I know I have friends that are divorced, not married, or not happy with their relationships that would die for what I have! My Sean cooks, cleans and nurtures! He's far from perfect (who are we kidding, look at me!), but I would be lost without him. As I sat in the ER last week and through that horrendous EMG, he stroked my head, kissed my head and held my hand so tight. I am a lucky lady!

4)My FRIENDS. Facebook is a blessing that I have reconnected with friends I never thought I'd see again and now they are calling me, emailing me and setting up lunch/dinner dates with me (can't wait for this weekend Sarah!). Though I feel lonely, there are people that love me even with my "crazy girl" moments. So a huge shout-out to all of you, THANK YOU and huge HUGS. That includes my Adoption Support girls too, you are all beautiful and amazing-can't wait to me some of you! And a special recognition to my neighbor Jenny who has taken me in, in my crazy moments and wined and dined me and checks on non-burning candles in my house! Jenny your positiveness in your own infertility journey helps me so!

5) MY CO-WORKERS-I am so lucky to work with therapists and really good ones! And all the other staff are there in a second for me! Even admin. staff has been so understanding and flexible-there are a lot of places that wouldn't be-so I thank everyone at work!

6) Our opportunity to start the PALS program-PALS is like a Big Bros/Sis program in Brown Co. for couples where we get the opportunity to develop a loving and mentoring relationship with a lil guy or gal. We just cannot wait to meet them!

I may vent and rant, because again I am human and am very jealous of all that can get pregnant, that can be active and have kids! But I am taking the time to count what I do have today and I KNOW it will happen. My age, body, and heart just hopes its sooner than later. I really want #7 to be, "I am a mommy!"

Hanging on...

As we are presented another opportunity, my emotions become strong and hard again. A sweet little angel born at 30 weeks is lying in a NICU surviving strong as we speak. Her parents have requested to look at our portfolio along with 4 other couples. Without sounding negative, this is too hard to even believe it could be us. I have to prepare myself for the "Sorry Kristi, they have gone with another family". The "it's not fair light" is in full effect. It's hard to hear that the our previous disrupted adoption: the mom is really struggling to parent the child she choose to keep, along with her other children. We would have given her so much and on top of that a continued relationship with that mom and baby's siblings.

I am trying to be strong, but the tears that surprisingly took a nice break are back and I just have to let them flow! And I have have to use my outlets which are my writings,venting and using my cherished supports. I may be a therapist, but remember, an oncologist doesn't administer his/her own chemo...I am only human just yearning to be a mommy!

Hope: The Experience
They wrap me with

“It will happen(s)”

“You deserve(s)’

But the squeeze
It’s not tight enough, within…

The only hope I bear

are through tears
and through prayers

I know
A mother I will be
Continuing…

To cherish my husband as

We yearn to breathe in
A mother
A father

You

All three

HOPE
I need you not to stand as a word
But as an experience

Deep
Deep
Within