"The Pattern"

So as some of you may know I am doing some things to better insides and outs re: personal tribulations. And being a therapist I think I got it all figured out, but I don't. I am too close to the hurt and insecurites.

I have learned today that blogging and other networks make it safe behind my walls to update and share some pretty vulnerable areas and often based on raw emotions. I don't have to see your faces or responses. In person I see that I struggle with that, well I guess I do to here too. I fear judgement and I guess I take that chance here in the cyber world as well. As soon as I write a comment or think it to myself while in the presence of everyone, I fear your thoughts of "Poor Kristi here she goes again' or 'Gag enough already'. Then I realized I've feared that much of my life. Doing that I create a lot of anxiety within myself. So its something I am really going to have to work on.

I blog because there is a release in knowing I can share my story with those close to me and those going through similar circumstances. It's sometimes hard for others to understand that 4 years later it isn't any easier than the day we found out we would probably not be able to have kids. It's still just as raw. And now the failed adoption and waiting for another birthmom to choose us complexes it amongst some of the other significant grief situations from my younger years. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop-it wasn't until today that I really have become cognizant of that pattern.

I texted my sister the other day to vent in relation to some of this and she texted back, "I'm so sorry, I know hard this is for you". That's all I needed-no one needs to fix or say the perfect thing; surprisingly it wasn't until today I realized just how important that recognition and validation is for me. I am still learning about me and hope that I can get through the fears of judgement, because there is something therapeutic in sharing my story and sharing where I am at (especially with those I care about most). All in all, I really hope that God will bless us sooner than later and interupt "the pattern". In the meantime, I will do my best to better it too-thanks to all that continue to help me with that process as well!