Well in less than one week it's here: the dreaded one year anniversary of our very emotional failed adoption. And one year later still no birthmom matches. I tell you, there are people out there with worlds of hurt and issues bigger than mine, but this continues to be the most painful hideous thing I've endured to date yet. I freaking know our time will come and it will be a beautiful thing, but here and now,(excuse my classy language) it just sucks ass!
I've done everything to take care myself since that horrible experience and by reading above it would be hard to believe I've done a lot of healing. It's just that its the rawness of the anniversary and the yet another childless holiday season that hurts this girl more than anyone could know. I continue to hear pregnancy announcements of now 2nd babies and even some friends that are on their 3rd since we've started trying. It's just a broken record sometimes. And I assure you I know I sound like one too (sorry!).
So to all those close to me and that I love dearly, I'm sorry ahead of time if I'm even more not myself in the next months. Please keep praying for us, that our miracle awaits us and that it happens very very soon!!!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Why Oh Why Grief?
I really am truly so happy for those that are matched and/or get their BFPs! It warms my heart, because I can relate to their journeys. By why oh why must it reintroduce my grief of not being able to get pg or be matched right now? Ugh, will the crying "poor me" spells ever shorten? It wastes part of my days and I feel like a horrible person for it. All I can say again is, thank the Lord for my hubby. He has been amazing today. Holding me, hugging me and ordering On Demand romantic comedies for me (I think he finally is starting to get it). Again my prayers are working for those I pray for that this is the time to make it happen for them (YES!), but Lord where do I fall on your list? I hope its soon!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Why Can't It Just Be "Easier"?
As summer fades and I come off of vacation, reality seeps back into my mind and world. We have been recommended to that we update our adoption portfolio by doing it digitally (eg. computer scrapbook program [wasted $34 on some complex thing]or online program). We have to be able to print off our port so we can then place it in the Office Max plastic slide-in paged book they provide us. So I decided to do Shutterfly and then will unbind the book. Great huh? Not so much. Lost my mind working on trying to make it perfect-computers are far from. Now $70 later ordered and not even delivered yet, social worker informs me another couple did it this way to find out after placing in ports (pages in Shutterfly printed back to back) would be upside down and birthmom will have to keep turning it back and forth to look at it. So now after figuring how unbind, hopefully Office Max can copy on similar paper right side up for those pages.
I have my 35th birthday next month and am not even a mom yet. Facebook is filled with old classmates/family posting 1st day of school pics of their cute kiddos and I can't even hold a baby yet. It breaks my heart. I have to do all this work to not even know if it's "good enough". I am blessed with some very special friends and family that have really helped me with this and thankful to that.
On top of all of this I had an ultra-sound last week to find 3 masses all together on both ovaries. No surgery at this point, we will do a follow-up u/s next month. In the meantime, my back and pelvis is "screaming" from those damn things. And next Monday I am having another "painful" EMG regarding the nerve issues in my leg. I don't expect life to be "easy", but keep putting a request into the big guy up there to let it be "easier".
I have my 35th birthday next month and am not even a mom yet. Facebook is filled with old classmates/family posting 1st day of school pics of their cute kiddos and I can't even hold a baby yet. It breaks my heart. I have to do all this work to not even know if it's "good enough". I am blessed with some very special friends and family that have really helped me with this and thankful to that.
On top of all of this I had an ultra-sound last week to find 3 masses all together on both ovaries. No surgery at this point, we will do a follow-up u/s next month. In the meantime, my back and pelvis is "screaming" from those damn things. And next Monday I am having another "painful" EMG regarding the nerve issues in my leg. I don't expect life to be "easy", but keep putting a request into the big guy up there to let it be "easier".
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tough Month
Just a short post: I know this month I will be needing my friends and family. Lots of triggers and reminders that this time last year we were ESTATICALLY matched with a birthmom and thought we were officially on the road to parenthood. Saddend recently to find out the birthmom who decided to parent has been evicted from home and not in a good situation. Just wish we were able to give that sweetpea a better life and be a mommy and daddy. I can only hope and pray our time to be matched will be very soon! On top of that very likely there are masses growing back on my ovaries and possible surgery AGAIN next month. Even worse they can't get me in for an ultrasound until September 7th, while I double over in pain more than I care to. Yup, life goes on, I get stronger, but doesn't minimize my physical and emotionally painful moments. I just hope it's true when they say it will be all worth it!
Friday, June 24, 2011
A little update
I say little update, because it's just that. Not much to share. Was pretty upset in the past few weeks because we have heard nothing from our case worker at the agency. So last week I called her and she said it had been very slow and no new birthmoms in her region or Green Bay/Fox Cities. She said it seems all the Wisconsin agencies have been slow. She called this week to say our port was checked out in Superior. And I've learned not to get excited about this anymore, especially when its that far, because the mothers go thru our agency b/c they are open adoptions and we are 5 hours away from there.
We are trying to enjoy our summer. We have camping trips planned, Chicago getaway in September and lots of downtime with eachother and family. We hope to embrace this summer and hope that next summer we'll be busy homebound parents. I am just trying to take a day at a time, but I still really struggle and am tearful a lot. I am trying to soak in the good! Work is a big stressor since I haven't had vacation since December, because trying to keep my PTO for if anything happens. Our fiscal year starts back up in October, thus the reason for the Chicago getaway in September, because then I have to use it. But I need a mental health break! I love my job and clients, but I am what they call in the mental health field "crispy"-burned out! So that's where were at and appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers that we get matched sooner than later!
We are trying to enjoy our summer. We have camping trips planned, Chicago getaway in September and lots of downtime with eachother and family. We hope to embrace this summer and hope that next summer we'll be busy homebound parents. I am just trying to take a day at a time, but I still really struggle and am tearful a lot. I am trying to soak in the good! Work is a big stressor since I haven't had vacation since December, because trying to keep my PTO for if anything happens. Our fiscal year starts back up in October, thus the reason for the Chicago getaway in September, because then I have to use it. But I need a mental health break! I love my job and clients, but I am what they call in the mental health field "crispy"-burned out! So that's where were at and appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers that we get matched sooner than later!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Father's Day
Okay so I got through another childless Mother's Day this year and I hope its the last year I have to say, "Next year will be different!". It was so wonderful when my mother-in-law got me cute sandals for Mother's Day this year and my husband wished me a Happy Mother's Day to be with kisses and coffee in bed that day. With Father's Day approaching I know it's really tough for my husband. In all four years of this, last year was the first year he admitted how tough this was. I bought him Father's Day card last year because there is no doubt he will be! And I will buy him another one this year. I don't know anyone that deserves being a father more than him.
I picked up our little 5yo sweetie we do PALS program with for a "girls weekend" a few weeks ago and she said, "Where's Sean?" When I told her working on the yard and we are doing a "girl's day", she responded, "I love you Kristi, but I am gonna miss Sean! He's my buddy". She made sure we called him and I then surprised her on the way home by stopping at our house to see him. She couldn't get out of the car fast enough and ran into our house yelling his name. She was so excited to see him and they proceeded to play Princess and Dragons in the backyard. My husband has a gift and is going to be an out of the world best father ever. I wish him a Happy Father's Day to be, because it will happen!!!
I picked up our little 5yo sweetie we do PALS program with for a "girls weekend" a few weeks ago and she said, "Where's Sean?" When I told her working on the yard and we are doing a "girl's day", she responded, "I love you Kristi, but I am gonna miss Sean! He's my buddy". She made sure we called him and I then surprised her on the way home by stopping at our house to see him. She couldn't get out of the car fast enough and ran into our house yelling his name. She was so excited to see him and they proceeded to play Princess and Dragons in the backyard. My husband has a gift and is going to be an out of the world best father ever. I wish him a Happy Father's Day to be, because it will happen!!!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Happy Anniversary to my Hubbie!
Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary and below is my anniversary gift to my husband. Though personal, I post it as a memory and landmark of our journey, because he deserves a lot of recognition in the journey we have traveled! Seriously don't know what I would do without him!
Happy 6th Anniversary Sean Peter!
Reasons I Love You
1. Your love and passion for children
Sean when I see you with our nephew, nieces, Layla or any other children your ability to connect them and to one day be a father is crazy amazing. My heart literally melts. They look at you as a positive model and they feel safe. My heart also aches that we have to wait so long for you to be father when nobody deserves it more than you. When that moment happens, that child will be blessed more than ever to have you as their father and will be so proud. God has really blessed you with a gift and I feel fortunate to have found a man with that!
2. Your love and passion for animals
Never did I think I’d find a man that loves animals as much as I do. I love it when you sing and talk to our kitties. Screw the people who think were crazy because how close we are to our babies. You find comfort in them, just as I have since I’ve been a little girl. I also am glad our children will have this instilled in them too! I hope one day we can live somewhere and have a doggy too
3. Your passion to cook
I am one spoiled lady to have someone to cater and cook such wonderful meals. You are amazing the time and love you put into each meal you make. I love how excited you get about it when you talk about it. You are so talented and even more so you are handsome and hot in the kitchen when your doing it!
4. When you soothe me
This isn’t an easy feat sometimes. I know I am really sensitive and truth is, always will be. For the most part when I am sad you are so sweet and will draw me a bath or will reassure me that I am a good person and okay. You have become so much more sensitive to my anxieties and listening to me in the past few weeks. I really want you to know how much that means to me-seriously SO MUCH!
5. Your dedication in taking care of me
You take our vows of in sickness and in health very seriously. You are there in a heartbeat to make sure I am comfortable and okay. It has to be so wearing and I see that frustration sometimes. But that doesn’t stop you from doing it. You are going to be an AMAZING father for this reason too. Your heart is just so big and I admire you for that, because I may not always be as mindful as you are of my needs. So if anything please let me know if you are needing me, I want to do my best for you too!
6. Your dedication to your job even when it’s hard
You are very dedicated to your job and go up and beyond your roles
there. I am proud of you for being assertive and taking
care of yourself too. That is one thing I hope you work on is
finding stress management, because you work really hard and
your body and mind deserve that healthy relaxation and/or release.
7. Your love of family
You value your parents and brother with every piece of your heart. And now you have taken me in our own little family and those values and morals are so important to me. It is a huge reason I wanted to marry you! You are going to be the ideal family man and we will have some very lucky kiddos who will hopefully carry that onto their future families.
8. Your humor and silliness
What would I do without that freaking dorky lovable humor of yours? I believe one our biggest strengths as a couple is this. We could laugh for hours on end and just be silly stupid. I love to blow it up with you, sing karaoke and watch you do the robot-the list goes on and on. You are adorable when you say and do those things. I love you so much for that.
Happy 6th Anniversary Sean Peter!
Reasons I Love You
1. Your love and passion for children
Sean when I see you with our nephew, nieces, Layla or any other children your ability to connect them and to one day be a father is crazy amazing. My heart literally melts. They look at you as a positive model and they feel safe. My heart also aches that we have to wait so long for you to be father when nobody deserves it more than you. When that moment happens, that child will be blessed more than ever to have you as their father and will be so proud. God has really blessed you with a gift and I feel fortunate to have found a man with that!
2. Your love and passion for animals
Never did I think I’d find a man that loves animals as much as I do. I love it when you sing and talk to our kitties. Screw the people who think were crazy because how close we are to our babies. You find comfort in them, just as I have since I’ve been a little girl. I also am glad our children will have this instilled in them too! I hope one day we can live somewhere and have a doggy too
3. Your passion to cook
I am one spoiled lady to have someone to cater and cook such wonderful meals. You are amazing the time and love you put into each meal you make. I love how excited you get about it when you talk about it. You are so talented and even more so you are handsome and hot in the kitchen when your doing it!
4. When you soothe me
This isn’t an easy feat sometimes. I know I am really sensitive and truth is, always will be. For the most part when I am sad you are so sweet and will draw me a bath or will reassure me that I am a good person and okay. You have become so much more sensitive to my anxieties and listening to me in the past few weeks. I really want you to know how much that means to me-seriously SO MUCH!
5. Your dedication in taking care of me
You take our vows of in sickness and in health very seriously. You are there in a heartbeat to make sure I am comfortable and okay. It has to be so wearing and I see that frustration sometimes. But that doesn’t stop you from doing it. You are going to be an AMAZING father for this reason too. Your heart is just so big and I admire you for that, because I may not always be as mindful as you are of my needs. So if anything please let me know if you are needing me, I want to do my best for you too!
6. Your dedication to your job even when it’s hard
You are very dedicated to your job and go up and beyond your roles
there. I am proud of you for being assertive and taking
care of yourself too. That is one thing I hope you work on is
finding stress management, because you work really hard and
your body and mind deserve that healthy relaxation and/or release.
7. Your love of family
You value your parents and brother with every piece of your heart. And now you have taken me in our own little family and those values and morals are so important to me. It is a huge reason I wanted to marry you! You are going to be the ideal family man and we will have some very lucky kiddos who will hopefully carry that onto their future families.
8. Your humor and silliness
What would I do without that freaking dorky lovable humor of yours? I believe one our biggest strengths as a couple is this. We could laugh for hours on end and just be silly stupid. I love to blow it up with you, sing karaoke and watch you do the robot-the list goes on and on. You are adorable when you say and do those things. I love you so much for that.
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