It's been a long time since I last wrote and for good reason. I just couldn't put into words what I was going through. I was communicating with pbmom (possible birthmom)nearly everyday through text messages. We were getting to know one another and her likes/dislikes and vice versa. I wanted to know things so I could share them with our pdaughter (possible daughter). September was tough she was in and out of the hospital/dr. with kidney stones.
Beginning of October we took her and her 16yo daughter out for dinner and it was great! She told us pbdad couldn't come because he was tired from work (they aren't together but communicate often b/c they share a 2yo and 9yo). So the next day my husband texted him that we were sorry he couldn't make it. He texted back that he had no idea what we were talking about and that pbmom never told him. FULL EFFECT DRAMA STARTS HERE...
He was helping her with rent, cell phone, and utilities and b/c of this lie he took it all away (yes I am very sure there is more to the story we were never tapped in on). She called me saying he was verbally abusing her now too and back on drugs, something she never wanted us to know and that he had been in prison and then later in jail for part of October. She would vent to me and was leading on that she wanted us to help her with money, but not directly. SW (social worker) asked if we were able to help her with November rent (not saying we had to), we said we didn't have $500 laying around. She responded to SW, "I thought they had money" SW tried to explain that financially we were quite stable, but preparing for baby and adoption costs, its not that easy. We ended up helping with a couple hundred so her and her children didn't end up in Shelter Care.
The story goes on and on and I will spare all the details, but she continued to text eachday and I was supportive. The thing that was a HUGE redflag is she wouldn't attend any of her appts with the SW/counselor. She wasn't getting any counseling to help address if the adoption was the right choice for her, process upcoming grief, ect... I then was getting texts that she had her mind set, but was really struggling. Everytime I suggest she contact SW/counselor she would change the subject.
We ended up giving her more money to help with apt security deposit that she needed b/c she was approved for housing-she said she would pay us back (we weren't that naive). The apt never approved her so she never used the check b/c we made it out to them. This was one week before the birth. She was also struggling with gestational diabetes and was to be induced Nov 29th. Day of Thanksgiving morning my husband receives a text from pbdad that she thought she may go into labor that day (she said this a lot throughout Nov). He also said she wanted to talk about the transfer b/c she didn't want dr. knowing she was placing-RED FLAG. They never called us and we previously knew that she didn't want us in the hopital. My husband turned on the phone in the a.m. to two pictures of a baby.
She called us Friday night and shared the details of the birth and how she feels fine at times about the adoption but had her moments. I validated her feelings and she asked, "So do we call Kimberly(sw)?" and I told her Iv'e been communicating with both our sw and Kimberly-both work together from the agency. So she said that was fine and would call me in the morning. Kimberly called me the following morning and said she talked to pbmom and said she was waivering and that family was putting pressure on her to place. Pbmom said she was being discharged that day and baby the next due to some jaundice. Kimberly encouraged her to go home get rest and stay away from the family drama. Since her facebook page is public I see the drama from the family and it was clearly insinuating that she was keeping the baby and that they felt she was being unfair to her other children and irresponsible. The next day Kimberly informs me that she found out via text that she took the baby home the same day she went home and was going to trying parenting for the week.
We were crushed! So sad and so so angry that she hadn't been more honest with us. It was the oddest grief I've ever experienced and on top of it brought all my infertility grief back to surface. My "strong husband" that was trying to be so positive and supportive of me was found in the nursery with folding baby socks saying, "I want to be a daddy so bad!" We finally were on the same page and gave me permission to take care him too. It has brought us that much closer!
Needless to say pbmom continues to drag this out. She now told Kimberly she wants the baby through the holidays so pbdad's dad can meet her in Michigan (not sure how they are getting there since both don't have a driver's license). Kimberly said if they are serious about placing then should meet with attorney before to sign court petition papers and she said she would let Kimberly know about that thsi week. Believe me, we are not holding our breath and we in our minds/hearts have been moving on. Weeks ago we told them to put our Birthmom Letters out into circulation. We have also as of Friday been asked if we would be interested in a pbirthmom who gave birth end of October and decided to parent and then decided she couldn't and gave baby to pbdad. She has found out the pbirthdad is going to be kicked out by his mom and has part-time job (both 19yo). They are placing the baby in Bridge Care (temp-foster home). If she chooses us we are able to be with baby as much as we want at the Bridge Care home, which is nearby. And then hopes in about a month would be placed with us.
Many of our friends and family got excited over this news. Frankly, they were sick of #1Pbmom drama and didn't want that for us. Truth is, this is nice to have an opportunity to take our mind off of #1, but can't give our hopes up because we know how this can work. Family, friends, co-workers, agency workers, and God-we could never ever do this without any of that, they have been beyond amazing. This journey if FREAKING CRAZY and at the end of the day all we still really really want is to be a mom and dad and hope hope hope it is sooner than later, we are BEYOND ready!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
It's a Match
Wednesday August 18th, on my drive home from work I received a phone call from our ever-so-supporting case worker Val. She tells me that the couple that had been holding onto our profile has chosen to meet us! I was like, "Are you kidding me?". She kept telling me how happy she was for us. DH was at a Timber Rattlers baseball game for work. I told him to keep his phone on, but there is something about his phone right now where it only rings twice and goes to voicemail.
I couldn't hold it in I called my parents where my mom answered and I can hear my dad in the background yelling YES! I called my DH's parents where his mother began crying tears of joy! Still no answer from DH's phone, I even texted him CALL ME NOW! I then called my one and only lil sis due any day with her first and shared our news. As I am babbling DH beeps in and I share the news to hear a response of "She picked us!?" He then shared the news with his supporting co-workers and came home early to meet me at our local Pub and Grill to share the news with one of our supporters owner Mary and her daughter Lori. I ended up there because I couldn't sit home by myself any longer and contain my happiness and SHOCK!
Tuesday August 24th, an evening with little sleep and my poor DH complaing of a belly ache. Wednesday August 25th, a long long day of looking at the clock waiting for 3pm to arrive. My DH and I arrive at our adoption agency about 220pm and meet with Val and go over any last minute questions we have. My mouth is so so dry, I ask Val for a glass of water. We share our feeling of nervousness, overmwhelmed, and excitement. She tells us she knows the sex of the baby, but expecting mom wants to share that information with us. We tell her the girl name we agreed on and she loves it and we tell her we can't agree on a boy's yet. I excuse myself to use the restroom and as a walk out I see this small little pregnant woman, smiled at her, assuming she was an employee there.
I make my way to the conference room and my heart is pounding! The expectant couple arrives to the room and it is the same cute little pregnant woman I met outside of the restroom. The first things she says right away is, "Did anyone sleep last night?". DH and I laugh saying, "Absolutely not". She asked several great questions that we both answered honestly regarding the baby and our future relationship with her and siblings (we will be having an open adoption) and how we would raise the baby. I felt like things were so in-synch in our both of our belief systems. Expecting dad was more quiet, but did share some info with us that was good to know. She accidently slipped in while asking questions that it was a GIRL!-"Oh yeah by the way it's a girl!" she said. The workers then had us go in a separate room while they talked. We were so nervous. About 10 minutes later Kimberly comes to the room and says come on back they want to exchange info with you-meaning, they want us to be the adoptive parents of their child!
I asked mom why she chose us and she said, "It seriously was a gut feeling. I looked at so many portfolios and kept coming back to yours with that gut feeling". She said it didn't hurt that her family members kept saying we were the one too! The four of us walked out together and she initiated goodbye hugs for us both. They joked how they were trying to guess which car was ours. Funny, how DH took to the car wash that day. We showed them our Explorer and they were like, "We knew it!".
I have gotten a few texts from her the following day and we hope to meet again in a more relaxed environment. We are ecstatic and remain so nervous. It is going to be a long 3 months. My DH is so cute, he keeps saying, "Is it 3 months yet?" and "I am gonna have a daddy's girl!". Even sweeter, I came home from work the other night to a note on the bed saying, "18 Reasons I Am Ready To Be A Daddy!"
The rollercoaster will continue, especially with the news that I need surgery again! Another mass on my ovary, bigger than my ovary, pushing my uterus over to the other side and my cervix down. If it wasn't for the hope we now have, I would be a mess! Surgery most likely happening end of September. But I keep saying I need to get better now so I can be the best mom I can be by December!!! DH and my prayers and the support of others thoughts, vibes and prayers DO WORK and are WORKING! Thank you everyone, keep em coming!!! We really have a chance at being parents now and it makes my heart do sommersaults, what an amazing amazing feeling!!! I hope this ride ends up smooth with little bumps. Without sounding presumptuous, we really do deserve this, this has been long and coming!
I couldn't hold it in I called my parents where my mom answered and I can hear my dad in the background yelling YES! I called my DH's parents where his mother began crying tears of joy! Still no answer from DH's phone, I even texted him CALL ME NOW! I then called my one and only lil sis due any day with her first and shared our news. As I am babbling DH beeps in and I share the news to hear a response of "She picked us!?" He then shared the news with his supporting co-workers and came home early to meet me at our local Pub and Grill to share the news with one of our supporters owner Mary and her daughter Lori. I ended up there because I couldn't sit home by myself any longer and contain my happiness and SHOCK!
Tuesday August 24th, an evening with little sleep and my poor DH complaing of a belly ache. Wednesday August 25th, a long long day of looking at the clock waiting for 3pm to arrive. My DH and I arrive at our adoption agency about 220pm and meet with Val and go over any last minute questions we have. My mouth is so so dry, I ask Val for a glass of water. We share our feeling of nervousness, overmwhelmed, and excitement. She tells us she knows the sex of the baby, but expecting mom wants to share that information with us. We tell her the girl name we agreed on and she loves it and we tell her we can't agree on a boy's yet. I excuse myself to use the restroom and as a walk out I see this small little pregnant woman, smiled at her, assuming she was an employee there.
I make my way to the conference room and my heart is pounding! The expectant couple arrives to the room and it is the same cute little pregnant woman I met outside of the restroom. The first things she says right away is, "Did anyone sleep last night?". DH and I laugh saying, "Absolutely not". She asked several great questions that we both answered honestly regarding the baby and our future relationship with her and siblings (we will be having an open adoption) and how we would raise the baby. I felt like things were so in-synch in our both of our belief systems. Expecting dad was more quiet, but did share some info with us that was good to know. She accidently slipped in while asking questions that it was a GIRL!-"Oh yeah by the way it's a girl!" she said. The workers then had us go in a separate room while they talked. We were so nervous. About 10 minutes later Kimberly comes to the room and says come on back they want to exchange info with you-meaning, they want us to be the adoptive parents of their child!
I asked mom why she chose us and she said, "It seriously was a gut feeling. I looked at so many portfolios and kept coming back to yours with that gut feeling". She said it didn't hurt that her family members kept saying we were the one too! The four of us walked out together and she initiated goodbye hugs for us both. They joked how they were trying to guess which car was ours. Funny, how DH took to the car wash that day. We showed them our Explorer and they were like, "We knew it!".
I have gotten a few texts from her the following day and we hope to meet again in a more relaxed environment. We are ecstatic and remain so nervous. It is going to be a long 3 months. My DH is so cute, he keeps saying, "Is it 3 months yet?" and "I am gonna have a daddy's girl!". Even sweeter, I came home from work the other night to a note on the bed saying, "18 Reasons I Am Ready To Be A Daddy!"
The rollercoaster will continue, especially with the news that I need surgery again! Another mass on my ovary, bigger than my ovary, pushing my uterus over to the other side and my cervix down. If it wasn't for the hope we now have, I would be a mess! Surgery most likely happening end of September. But I keep saying I need to get better now so I can be the best mom I can be by December!!! DH and my prayers and the support of others thoughts, vibes and prayers DO WORK and are WORKING! Thank you everyone, keep em coming!!! We really have a chance at being parents now and it makes my heart do sommersaults, what an amazing amazing feeling!!! I hope this ride ends up smooth with little bumps. Without sounding presumptuous, we really do deserve this, this has been long and coming!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Heart with a Safeguard
Yesterday morning I had 3 missed calls from our social worker (her ring tone is Justin Bieber's Baby Baby LOL!!!-if you can think of a better one let me know-but must admit catchy!). I had two vague voicemails to just call her back. I called back and was sent to her voicemail, UGH! Five minute later I hear Baby Baby ohhhhh! It was Val and she was excited to inform us that a birhtmom has our portfolio and really likes us and that tomorrow she will be viewing two others. The possible birthmom's background is promising and almost too good to be true. Isn't this all great!?
Well...I always use to be so optimistic and positive until infertility and the uncertaintity of adoption process entered my life. I would typically keep this news between my husband and I because I have learned to put up this safeguard for myself. I am by nature uber emotional and a heart that sucks in more than it can hold somedays. We have had cases before this one where it was down to us and others and my heart fell apart when I got the news that we weren't chosen (the feeling not much different than all my years of negative pregnancy tests). But because of the way this one was presented to us by the social worker I figured I could request prayers and from our non-religious supporters, good vibes; all in hopes that this will be the one.
I still have that safeguard up. I play the phone call in my head, "She has decided to go with one of the other families", just so I can prepare so it doesn't hurt quite as much. But I just said to myself in July (the only quiet month we've had since we started the adoption process), "August is going to be the month!" We are so ready for this, so so ready. Please let us connect with this birhtmom and something in that portfolio reach out to her and her heart. You would think I would think about the baby in all of this. But I continue to focus on her and how hard this is and how amazing she is. Even if she doesn't pick us I love her for her unselfish heart and that she saw something in us to hold onto that portfolio. Please God, let this be the beginning for us, please...
Well...I always use to be so optimistic and positive until infertility and the uncertaintity of adoption process entered my life. I would typically keep this news between my husband and I because I have learned to put up this safeguard for myself. I am by nature uber emotional and a heart that sucks in more than it can hold somedays. We have had cases before this one where it was down to us and others and my heart fell apart when I got the news that we weren't chosen (the feeling not much different than all my years of negative pregnancy tests). But because of the way this one was presented to us by the social worker I figured I could request prayers and from our non-religious supporters, good vibes; all in hopes that this will be the one.
I still have that safeguard up. I play the phone call in my head, "She has decided to go with one of the other families", just so I can prepare so it doesn't hurt quite as much. But I just said to myself in July (the only quiet month we've had since we started the adoption process), "August is going to be the month!" We are so ready for this, so so ready. Please let us connect with this birhtmom and something in that portfolio reach out to her and her heart. You would think I would think about the baby in all of this. But I continue to focus on her and how hard this is and how amazing she is. Even if she doesn't pick us I love her for her unselfish heart and that she saw something in us to hold onto that portfolio. Please God, let this be the beginning for us, please...
Monday, August 2, 2010
Happy Endings
I had a session with my client this morning and she was stating she thought at one point in her life she had achieved a happy ending and followed by the complete opposite happened to her and then said she had to start on achieving a new one. The concept of a happy ending makes my mind spin when I think of it for myself. What is a happy ending? What would be my happy ending? Will I ever feel a sense of a happy ending?
I know it's unrealistic in my conscious mind to think that having a child would be my happy ending. The thing is this, being a mother is tougher than any other job there is. Many of my friends share just how hard it is and they just need a break-doesn't sound much of a happy ending does it? Then again I hear the joys, rewards and undescribable love it is to have with a child and that is it like falling in love-that sounds pretty happy to me-I yearn it so bad that it brings me to tears each time I think that I don't have it right now. So it is something that will bring happiness, I know that and can guarantee that despite sleepless nights and a schedule that will turn my life upside down.
Fairlytales are nice in theory but unrealistic. My husband and I don't want a fairytale nor a happy ending, but we know that having a child and to be a mom and a dad will bring much so much happiness and joy! I don't live each day seeking a happy ending but understand this, I have never ever wanted something sooooooooo bad in my life! I am told by parents each and every day how amazing I am with their children, my feedback cards speak volumes of this and my co-workers overflow me with compliments. I just need more, I need to share these gifts with my own. This stands true for my husband, as well, he is amazing with children as they flock to him at family gatherings and volunteer as a mentor. We just want to enhance our life with some more well-deserved happiness- so please bring on zombie-like brain, makeupless days and a messier home-because to me that is happiness! My hope for this just feels neverending and doing my best to be happy for now.
I know it's unrealistic in my conscious mind to think that having a child would be my happy ending. The thing is this, being a mother is tougher than any other job there is. Many of my friends share just how hard it is and they just need a break-doesn't sound much of a happy ending does it? Then again I hear the joys, rewards and undescribable love it is to have with a child and that is it like falling in love-that sounds pretty happy to me-I yearn it so bad that it brings me to tears each time I think that I don't have it right now. So it is something that will bring happiness, I know that and can guarantee that despite sleepless nights and a schedule that will turn my life upside down.
Fairlytales are nice in theory but unrealistic. My husband and I don't want a fairytale nor a happy ending, but we know that having a child and to be a mom and a dad will bring much so much happiness and joy! I don't live each day seeking a happy ending but understand this, I have never ever wanted something sooooooooo bad in my life! I am told by parents each and every day how amazing I am with their children, my feedback cards speak volumes of this and my co-workers overflow me with compliments. I just need more, I need to share these gifts with my own. This stands true for my husband, as well, he is amazing with children as they flock to him at family gatherings and volunteer as a mentor. We just want to enhance our life with some more well-deserved happiness- so please bring on zombie-like brain, makeupless days and a messier home-because to me that is happiness! My hope for this just feels neverending and doing my best to be happy for now.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Knowing I am not alone, but feeling it...
I am a therapist and truly know the answer to the this question, but yet continue to ask myself it: Why oh why are some days harder than others? I straight up knew this adoption process was going to be harder than anything (note:besides the horrible pain of infertility), but I truly feel so alone somedays.
Moving to Green Bay was one of the hardest things, but one of the best things for me and my husband to do. The best part was moving closer to family, the hardest was leaving some very close genuine friends. You always say moving won't change that, but it has and I miss some friends so much it hurts somedays. I have support, but yet I feel very alone in Green Bay. It is difficult to find couples our age in our situation and adopting. People our age is all about babies, toddlers and school-age children. Am I jealous, hell yes! I just can't relate and can't expect them to relate to me. I just wish this could be easier and I could find others who understand just how hard this is! I am done with "poor me" and do want to recognize the blessings I do have. Again it is knowing I am not alone, but today I feel it~ Today is a harder day...
Moving to Green Bay was one of the hardest things, but one of the best things for me and my husband to do. The best part was moving closer to family, the hardest was leaving some very close genuine friends. You always say moving won't change that, but it has and I miss some friends so much it hurts somedays. I have support, but yet I feel very alone in Green Bay. It is difficult to find couples our age in our situation and adopting. People our age is all about babies, toddlers and school-age children. Am I jealous, hell yes! I just can't relate and can't expect them to relate to me. I just wish this could be easier and I could find others who understand just how hard this is! I am done with "poor me" and do want to recognize the blessings I do have. Again it is knowing I am not alone, but today I feel it~ Today is a harder day...
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Doesn't Get Easier
People-those that love me and that surround me-I am not angry with any of you, just wish you understood, as you probably wish I understood what its like to be you and undergo some of your hardships (I apologize ahead of time for not)... Just because I am adopting doesn't mean I am better in the sense that I don't feel a pit in my stomach when I see a happy prego lady rubbing her belly, that I don't get jealous when I see a mom kiss her baby on the forehead and that I don't get to put anything about my baby's milestones as my facebook status and how warm and fuzzy it makes me feel. I know I know-it will happen, but as I wait it is harder than you'll ever know. I use mindfulness and use my professional techniques of putting things into perspective to prevent the overwhelming icky feelings that may wash over me, but someday it just straight up sucks and I want to scream and cry so hard.
Its hard for others to understand that each time we are close to be chosen and aren't that this is not just a disappointment but that of many: we have had 3 years of disappoinment that each month looking at another negative pregnancy test, the dr. visits that things aren't right in my body and the pain my endometriosis creates and likes to complicate my body to the point where they put me on high dose of a nerve medication (endo has most likely attacked my sciatic area nerves) and get the pleasure of having an MRI this week! This blog I can say is my venting session for awhile-I just need to release once in awhile and then I move forward some more. I am greatful for my blessings that I do have and others may not-THANK YOU to my amazing friends and family-no one can ever know what to say and I understand that, I thank all that listen and take my bitterness at times with a grain of salt! I can only pray that our day will come and I can hold my sweet baby in my arms and really say the pain and hurt were all worth it.
Its hard for others to understand that each time we are close to be chosen and aren't that this is not just a disappointment but that of many: we have had 3 years of disappoinment that each month looking at another negative pregnancy test, the dr. visits that things aren't right in my body and the pain my endometriosis creates and likes to complicate my body to the point where they put me on high dose of a nerve medication (endo has most likely attacked my sciatic area nerves) and get the pleasure of having an MRI this week! This blog I can say is my venting session for awhile-I just need to release once in awhile and then I move forward some more. I am greatful for my blessings that I do have and others may not-THANK YOU to my amazing friends and family-no one can ever know what to say and I understand that, I thank all that listen and take my bitterness at times with a grain of salt! I can only pray that our day will come and I can hold my sweet baby in my arms and really say the pain and hurt were all worth it.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Waiting Game
Let just say that I feel silly for complaining already, but our birthmom letter has been out there for 2 months now and with the exception of a couple situations, no one has requested our profile yet. I was so surprised when it even bothered my husband and he said the other day,"What's wrong that no one has looked at ours' yet?" I replied, "Does that make you sad?" and he said "Yeah it kind of does" and I said with that bubble in my throat, "Me too me too".
I know there are people that have waited years and we are only at the two month mark. Guess that's what happens when you want something so bad. Probably hard as well because my only sister is due with her first in August and this is the first time my parents get to be grandparents. I just want that so much too!!! It was also hard because my husband turned 35 this past weekend and though that is not old, I know we want more than 1 child and want us to have energy that they deserve and need.
I want to start working on the nursery too, I think it would help me because we know how unpredictable adoption can be and I want to be ready. But I am the only one who seems excited to start it and if I were pregnant that would not be the case! There is still so much grief I face with this and have to process through. And I have to face it so I can be the best mom I can for when our munchkin comes into the world!
I know there are people that have waited years and we are only at the two month mark. Guess that's what happens when you want something so bad. Probably hard as well because my only sister is due with her first in August and this is the first time my parents get to be grandparents. I just want that so much too!!! It was also hard because my husband turned 35 this past weekend and though that is not old, I know we want more than 1 child and want us to have energy that they deserve and need.
I want to start working on the nursery too, I think it would help me because we know how unpredictable adoption can be and I want to be ready. But I am the only one who seems excited to start it and if I were pregnant that would not be the case! There is still so much grief I face with this and have to process through. And I have to face it so I can be the best mom I can for when our munchkin comes into the world!
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