People-those that love me and that surround me-I am not angry with any of you, just wish you understood, as you probably wish I understood what its like to be you and undergo some of your hardships (I apologize ahead of time for not)... Just because I am adopting doesn't mean I am better in the sense that I don't feel a pit in my stomach when I see a happy prego lady rubbing her belly, that I don't get jealous when I see a mom kiss her baby on the forehead and that I don't get to put anything about my baby's milestones as my facebook status and how warm and fuzzy it makes me feel. I know I know-it will happen, but as I wait it is harder than you'll ever know. I use mindfulness and use my professional techniques of putting things into perspective to prevent the overwhelming icky feelings that may wash over me, but someday it just straight up sucks and I want to scream and cry so hard.
Its hard for others to understand that each time we are close to be chosen and aren't that this is not just a disappointment but that of many: we have had 3 years of disappoinment that each month looking at another negative pregnancy test, the dr. visits that things aren't right in my body and the pain my endometriosis creates and likes to complicate my body to the point where they put me on high dose of a nerve medication (endo has most likely attacked my sciatic area nerves) and get the pleasure of having an MRI this week! This blog I can say is my venting session for awhile-I just need to release once in awhile and then I move forward some more. I am greatful for my blessings that I do have and others may not-THANK YOU to my amazing friends and family-no one can ever know what to say and I understand that, I thank all that listen and take my bitterness at times with a grain of salt! I can only pray that our day will come and I can hold my sweet baby in my arms and really say the pain and hurt were all worth it.
feel it girl - feel every single second of it. people around you may never understand - (there's a reason we're both in the same neighborhood :)) - and really lucky for them that they don't have to understand - each and every day - remind yourself of all the good that do have to give to this world - your running, helping others whose pain is so deep and only you could possibly understand that deep deep pain, cooking gf, loving your kittens - and being a good friend - through all this pain and shit we have to deal with - i know - we don't take much for granted - so give yourself a pat on the back for being a freakin' warrior girl :) xo
ReplyDelete