Father's Day

Okay so I got through another childless Mother's Day this year and I hope its the last year I have to say, "Next year will be different!". It was so wonderful when my mother-in-law got me cute sandals for Mother's Day this year and my husband wished me a Happy Mother's Day to be with kisses and coffee in bed that day. With Father's Day approaching I know it's really tough for my husband. In all four years of this, last year was the first year he admitted how tough this was. I bought him Father's Day card last year because there is no doubt he will be! And I will buy him another one this year. I don't know anyone that deserves being a father more than him.

I picked up our little 5yo sweetie we do PALS program with for a "girls weekend" a few weeks ago and she said, "Where's Sean?" When I told her working on the yard and we are doing a "girl's day", she responded, "I love you Kristi, but I am gonna miss Sean! He's my buddy". She made sure we called him and I then surprised her on the way home by stopping at our house to see him. She couldn't get out of the car fast enough and ran into our house yelling his name. She was so excited to see him and they proceeded to play Princess and Dragons in the backyard. My husband has a gift and is going to be an out of the world best father ever. I wish him a Happy Father's Day to be, because it will happen!!!

Happy Anniversary to my Hubbie!

Tomorrow is our 6 year anniversary and below is my anniversary gift to my husband. Though personal, I post it as a memory and landmark of our journey, because he deserves a lot of recognition in the journey we have traveled! Seriously don't know what I would do without him!

Happy 6th Anniversary Sean Peter!
Reasons I Love You

1. Your love and passion for children
Sean when I see you with our nephew, nieces, Layla or any other children your ability to connect them and to one day be a father is crazy amazing. My heart literally melts. They look at you as a positive model and they feel safe. My heart also aches that we have to wait so long for you to be father when nobody deserves it more than you. When that moment happens, that child will be blessed more than ever to have you as their father and will be so proud. God has really blessed you with a gift and I feel fortunate to have found a man with that!


2. Your love and passion for animals
Never did I think I’d find a man that loves animals as much as I do. I love it when you sing and talk to our kitties. Screw the people who think were crazy because how close we are to our babies. You find comfort in them, just as I have since I’ve been a little girl. I also am glad our children will have this instilled in them too! I hope one day we can live somewhere and have a doggy too

3. Your passion to cook
I am one spoiled lady to have someone to cater and cook such wonderful meals. You are amazing the time and love you put into each meal you make. I love how excited you get about it when you talk about it. You are so talented and even more so you are handsome and hot in the kitchen when your doing it!

4. When you soothe me
This isn’t an easy feat sometimes. I know I am really sensitive and truth is, always will be. For the most part when I am sad you are so sweet and will draw me a bath or will reassure me that I am a good person and okay. You have become so much more sensitive to my anxieties and listening to me in the past few weeks. I really want you to know how much that means to me-seriously SO MUCH!

5. Your dedication in taking care of me
You take our vows of in sickness and in health very seriously. You are there in a heartbeat to make sure I am comfortable and okay. It has to be so wearing and I see that frustration sometimes. But that doesn’t stop you from doing it. You are going to be an AMAZING father for this reason too. Your heart is just so big and I admire you for that, because I may not always be as mindful as you are of my needs. So if anything please let me know if you are needing me, I want to do my best for you too!

6. Your dedication to your job even when it’s hard
You are very dedicated to your job and go up and beyond your roles
there. I am proud of you for being assertive and taking
care of yourself too. That is one thing I hope you work on is
finding stress management, because you work really hard and
your body and mind deserve that healthy relaxation and/or release.

7. Your love of family
You value your parents and brother with every piece of your heart. And now you have taken me in our own little family and those values and morals are so important to me. It is a huge reason I wanted to marry you! You are going to be the ideal family man and we will have some very lucky kiddos who will hopefully carry that onto their future families.

8. Your humor and silliness
What would I do without that freaking dorky lovable humor of yours? I believe one our biggest strengths as a couple is this. We could laugh for hours on end and just be silly stupid. I love to blow it up with you, sing karaoke and watch you do the robot-the list goes on and on. You are adorable when you say and do those things. I love you so much for that.

"The Pattern"

So as some of you may know I am doing some things to better insides and outs re: personal tribulations. And being a therapist I think I got it all figured out, but I don't. I am too close to the hurt and insecurites.

I have learned today that blogging and other networks make it safe behind my walls to update and share some pretty vulnerable areas and often based on raw emotions. I don't have to see your faces or responses. In person I see that I struggle with that, well I guess I do to here too. I fear judgement and I guess I take that chance here in the cyber world as well. As soon as I write a comment or think it to myself while in the presence of everyone, I fear your thoughts of "Poor Kristi here she goes again' or 'Gag enough already'. Then I realized I've feared that much of my life. Doing that I create a lot of anxiety within myself. So its something I am really going to have to work on.

I blog because there is a release in knowing I can share my story with those close to me and those going through similar circumstances. It's sometimes hard for others to understand that 4 years later it isn't any easier than the day we found out we would probably not be able to have kids. It's still just as raw. And now the failed adoption and waiting for another birthmom to choose us complexes it amongst some of the other significant grief situations from my younger years. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop-it wasn't until today that I really have become cognizant of that pattern.

I texted my sister the other day to vent in relation to some of this and she texted back, "I'm so sorry, I know hard this is for you". That's all I needed-no one needs to fix or say the perfect thing; surprisingly it wasn't until today I realized just how important that recognition and validation is for me. I am still learning about me and hope that I can get through the fears of judgement, because there is something therapeutic in sharing my story and sharing where I am at (especially with those I care about most). All in all, I really hope that God will bless us sooner than later and interupt "the pattern". In the meantime, I will do my best to better it too-thanks to all that continue to help me with that process as well!

I Do Count My Blessings

Yesterday was obviously a tough day and I from the bottom of my heart thank all that take the time to read my "Charlie Sheen" rant(lol). I do count my blessings-the fog sets in at times and its so hard to see. So I am taking the time to list what I am thankful for:

1)MY FAMILY-my sister and I have become so much more close in the past year and I think she is one of the most amazing indivuals I ever! She drove 45 minutes last weekend just b/c she knew how important it would be for me to see my nephew-she has a heart of gold. My mom and dad are currently vacationing in Florida and are taking all my phone calls to help me process through my health scare. My wonderful mother who has MS-is trying so hard to assure me I don't and if so will get through whatever it may be.

My in-laws are also AMAZING. As they enjoy their CA winter home, they take time each day to check on me and take all my calls. My MIL is such a great listener!

2)My cats! Yes, I said my cats! I know many aren't cat people, but these 3 girls are my savior some days. With my nerve issues my body feels like its purring/vibrating inside and its scary. So I will snuggle with one of them as they purr and it takes my focus off my own. They all know I am struggling because they follow and bombard me with love! There is a reason I did my Masters Thesis on Animal Therapy:)

3) My husband. I know I have friends that are divorced, not married, or not happy with their relationships that would die for what I have! My Sean cooks, cleans and nurtures! He's far from perfect (who are we kidding, look at me!), but I would be lost without him. As I sat in the ER last week and through that horrendous EMG, he stroked my head, kissed my head and held my hand so tight. I am a lucky lady!

4)My FRIENDS. Facebook is a blessing that I have reconnected with friends I never thought I'd see again and now they are calling me, emailing me and setting up lunch/dinner dates with me (can't wait for this weekend Sarah!). Though I feel lonely, there are people that love me even with my "crazy girl" moments. So a huge shout-out to all of you, THANK YOU and huge HUGS. That includes my Adoption Support girls too, you are all beautiful and amazing-can't wait to me some of you! And a special recognition to my neighbor Jenny who has taken me in, in my crazy moments and wined and dined me and checks on non-burning candles in my house! Jenny your positiveness in your own infertility journey helps me so!

5) MY CO-WORKERS-I am so lucky to work with therapists and really good ones! And all the other staff are there in a second for me! Even admin. staff has been so understanding and flexible-there are a lot of places that wouldn't be-so I thank everyone at work!

6) Our opportunity to start the PALS program-PALS is like a Big Bros/Sis program in Brown Co. for couples where we get the opportunity to develop a loving and mentoring relationship with a lil guy or gal. We just cannot wait to meet them!

I may vent and rant, because again I am human and am very jealous of all that can get pregnant, that can be active and have kids! But I am taking the time to count what I do have today and I KNOW it will happen. My age, body, and heart just hopes its sooner than later. I really want #7 to be, "I am a mommy!"

Hanging on...

As we are presented another opportunity, my emotions become strong and hard again. A sweet little angel born at 30 weeks is lying in a NICU surviving strong as we speak. Her parents have requested to look at our portfolio along with 4 other couples. Without sounding negative, this is too hard to even believe it could be us. I have to prepare myself for the "Sorry Kristi, they have gone with another family". The "it's not fair light" is in full effect. It's hard to hear that the our previous disrupted adoption: the mom is really struggling to parent the child she choose to keep, along with her other children. We would have given her so much and on top of that a continued relationship with that mom and baby's siblings.

I am trying to be strong, but the tears that surprisingly took a nice break are back and I just have to let them flow! And I have have to use my outlets which are my writings,venting and using my cherished supports. I may be a therapist, but remember, an oncologist doesn't administer his/her own chemo...I am only human just yearning to be a mommy!

Hope: The Experience
They wrap me with

“It will happen(s)”

“You deserve(s)’

But the squeeze
It’s not tight enough, within…

The only hope I bear

are through tears
and through prayers

I know
A mother I will be
Continuing…

To cherish my husband as

We yearn to breathe in
A mother
A father

You

All three

HOPE
I need you not to stand as a word
But as an experience

Deep
Deep
Within

Haven't Met You Yet

In the past couple years I have become a Michael Buble fan-of course he's not bad to look at, but love the soothing jazzy voice and glad to have found a jazz artist that has music that fits into my running mix. As I was running one day last summer I really focused on the lyrics in his song, "Haven't Met You Yet":

I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

I decided to gear those words to our future Baby Van Ess-it motivates me to keep going somedays. We have had quite the experience with Pbmom(possible birthmom)#1. She even said she was still thinking of placing this month and we haven't heard a word and have let go. We have lost all trust in her-not once has she followed through on any of her statements. Our other possible opportunity was a blessing in that she didn't choose us, because it is turning into a court nightmare with the bio-dad fighting to have custody of the baby and that would have been pretty hard on us after all we've been through and hard because we understand pbdads have rights too. We emotionally just weren't in a place for more heartache.

We are sad, but not hopeless. We understand this is the risk of domestic adoption, but to be told by the agency that what we experienced was one of the worse cases they've seen doesn't make it any easier for the pain and constant back and forth uncertainty we endured. At the suggestion of the social worker I added some things and a storyline to our picture portfolio. She will be showing it to a pbmom Wednesday. We don't get too excited, but glad its being shown.

February will be a year since we started this whoe process and really saw ourselves to be parents by now. Instead of dreading February I planned a day spa trip in Madison for us and then an evening with huband's best childhood friend and fiancee for board games (our FAVE) and a seafood extraveganza! We become stronger as a couple and hope our prayers are answered sooner than later. We haven't met him/her yet, but we know your'e out there growing or in the hands of God waiting for us!

It's been long...

It's been a long time since I last wrote and for good reason. I just couldn't put into words what I was going through. I was communicating with pbmom (possible birthmom)nearly everyday through text messages. We were getting to know one another and her likes/dislikes and vice versa. I wanted to know things so I could share them with our pdaughter (possible daughter). September was tough she was in and out of the hospital/dr. with kidney stones.

Beginning of October we took her and her 16yo daughter out for dinner and it was great! She told us pbdad couldn't come because he was tired from work (they aren't together but communicate often b/c they share a 2yo and 9yo). So the next day my husband texted him that we were sorry he couldn't make it. He texted back that he had no idea what we were talking about and that pbmom never told him. FULL EFFECT DRAMA STARTS HERE...

He was helping her with rent, cell phone, and utilities and b/c of this lie he took it all away (yes I am very sure there is more to the story we were never tapped in on). She called me saying he was verbally abusing her now too and back on drugs, something she never wanted us to know and that he had been in prison and then later in jail for part of October. She would vent to me and was leading on that she wanted us to help her with money, but not directly. SW (social worker) asked if we were able to help her with November rent (not saying we had to), we said we didn't have $500 laying around. She responded to SW, "I thought they had money" SW tried to explain that financially we were quite stable, but preparing for baby and adoption costs, its not that easy. We ended up helping with a couple hundred so her and her children didn't end up in Shelter Care.

The story goes on and on and I will spare all the details, but she continued to text eachday and I was supportive. The thing that was a HUGE redflag is she wouldn't attend any of her appts with the SW/counselor. She wasn't getting any counseling to help address if the adoption was the right choice for her, process upcoming grief, ect... I then was getting texts that she had her mind set, but was really struggling. Everytime I suggest she contact SW/counselor she would change the subject.

We ended up giving her more money to help with apt security deposit that she needed b/c she was approved for housing-she said she would pay us back (we weren't that naive). The apt never approved her so she never used the check b/c we made it out to them. This was one week before the birth. She was also struggling with gestational diabetes and was to be induced Nov 29th. Day of Thanksgiving morning my husband receives a text from pbdad that she thought she may go into labor that day (she said this a lot throughout Nov). He also said she wanted to talk about the transfer b/c she didn't want dr. knowing she was placing-RED FLAG. They never called us and we previously knew that she didn't want us in the hopital. My husband turned on the phone in the a.m. to two pictures of a baby.

She called us Friday night and shared the details of the birth and how she feels fine at times about the adoption but had her moments. I validated her feelings and she asked, "So do we call Kimberly(sw)?" and I told her Iv'e been communicating with both our sw and Kimberly-both work together from the agency. So she said that was fine and would call me in the morning. Kimberly called me the following morning and said she talked to pbmom and said she was waivering and that family was putting pressure on her to place. Pbmom said she was being discharged that day and baby the next due to some jaundice. Kimberly encouraged her to go home get rest and stay away from the family drama. Since her facebook page is public I see the drama from the family and it was clearly insinuating that she was keeping the baby and that they felt she was being unfair to her other children and irresponsible. The next day Kimberly informs me that she found out via text that she took the baby home the same day she went home and was going to trying parenting for the week.

We were crushed! So sad and so so angry that she hadn't been more honest with us. It was the oddest grief I've ever experienced and on top of it brought all my infertility grief back to surface. My "strong husband" that was trying to be so positive and supportive of me was found in the nursery with folding baby socks saying, "I want to be a daddy so bad!" We finally were on the same page and gave me permission to take care him too. It has brought us that much closer!

Needless to say pbmom continues to drag this out. She now told Kimberly she wants the baby through the holidays so pbdad's dad can meet her in Michigan (not sure how they are getting there since both don't have a driver's license). Kimberly said if they are serious about placing then should meet with attorney before to sign court petition papers and she said she would let Kimberly know about that thsi week. Believe me, we are not holding our breath and we in our minds/hearts have been moving on. Weeks ago we told them to put our Birthmom Letters out into circulation. We have also as of Friday been asked if we would be interested in a pbirthmom who gave birth end of October and decided to parent and then decided she couldn't and gave baby to pbdad. She has found out the pbirthdad is going to be kicked out by his mom and has part-time job (both 19yo). They are placing the baby in Bridge Care (temp-foster home). If she chooses us we are able to be with baby as much as we want at the Bridge Care home, which is nearby. And then hopes in about a month would be placed with us.

Many of our friends and family got excited over this news. Frankly, they were sick of #1Pbmom drama and didn't want that for us. Truth is, this is nice to have an opportunity to take our mind off of #1, but can't give our hopes up because we know how this can work. Family, friends, co-workers, agency workers, and God-we could never ever do this without any of that, they have been beyond amazing. This journey if FREAKING CRAZY and at the end of the day all we still really really want is to be a mom and dad and hope hope hope it is sooner than later, we are BEYOND ready!