Knowing I am not alone, but feeling it...

I am a therapist and truly know the answer to the this question, but yet continue to ask myself it: Why oh why are some days harder than others? I straight up knew this adoption process was going to be harder than anything (note:besides the horrible pain of infertility), but I truly feel so alone somedays.

Moving to Green Bay was one of the hardest things, but one of the best things for me and my husband to do. The best part was moving closer to family, the hardest was leaving some very close genuine friends. You always say moving won't change that, but it has and I miss some friends so much it hurts somedays. I have support, but yet I feel very alone in Green Bay. It is difficult to find couples our age in our situation and adopting. People our age is all about babies, toddlers and school-age children. Am I jealous, hell yes! I just can't relate and can't expect them to relate to me. I just wish this could be easier and I could find others who understand just how hard this is! I am done with "poor me" and do want to recognize the blessings I do have. Again it is knowing I am not alone, but today I feel it~ Today is a harder day...

Doesn't Get Easier

People-those that love me and that surround me-I am not angry with any of you, just wish you understood, as you probably wish I understood what its like to be you and undergo some of your hardships (I apologize ahead of time for not)... Just because I am adopting doesn't mean I am better in the sense that I don't feel a pit in my stomach when I see a happy prego lady rubbing her belly, that I don't get jealous when I see a mom kiss her baby on the forehead and that I don't get to put anything about my baby's milestones as my facebook status and how warm and fuzzy it makes me feel. I know I know-it will happen, but as I wait it is harder than you'll ever know. I use mindfulness and use my professional techniques of putting things into perspective to prevent the overwhelming icky feelings that may wash over me, but someday it just straight up sucks and I want to scream and cry so hard.

Its hard for others to understand that each time we are close to be chosen and aren't that this is not just a disappointment but that of many: we have had 3 years of disappoinment that each month looking at another negative pregnancy test, the dr. visits that things aren't right in my body and the pain my endometriosis creates and likes to complicate my body to the point where they put me on high dose of a nerve medication (endo has most likely attacked my sciatic area nerves) and get the pleasure of having an MRI this week! This blog I can say is my venting session for awhile-I just need to release once in awhile and then I move forward some more. I am greatful for my blessings that I do have and others may not-THANK YOU to my amazing friends and family-no one can ever know what to say and I understand that, I thank all that listen and take my bitterness at times with a grain of salt! I can only pray that our day will come and I can hold my sweet baby in my arms and really say the pain and hurt were all worth it.

The Waiting Game

Let just say that I feel silly for complaining already, but our birthmom letter has been out there for 2 months now and with the exception of a couple situations, no one has requested our profile yet. I was so surprised when it even bothered my husband and he said the other day,"What's wrong that no one has looked at ours' yet?" I replied, "Does that make you sad?" and he said "Yeah it kind of does" and I said with that bubble in my throat, "Me too me too".

I know there are people that have waited years and we are only at the two month mark. Guess that's what happens when you want something so bad. Probably hard as well because my only sister is due with her first in August and this is the first time my parents get to be grandparents. I just want that so much too!!! It was also hard because my husband turned 35 this past weekend and though that is not old, I know we want more than 1 child and want us to have energy that they deserve and need.

I want to start working on the nursery too, I think it would help me because we know how unpredictable adoption can be and I want to be ready. But I am the only one who seems excited to start it and if I were pregnant that would not be the case! There is still so much grief I face with this and have to process through. And I have to face it so I can be the best mom I can for when our munchkin comes into the world!

Its Really Happening

After a very long month of education and therapy classes, writing birthmom letter and putting together a detailed resume book, we were able to hear the words yesterday, "your letter and resume book go in the system for Monday and keep your cell phones on you at all times now." Such wonderful words to hear after all of our hard work.

Let's just say they are not kidding when they say this journey is going to be a roller coaster. You just can't compare it to being pregnant, but yet I find myself saying aloud "I (we) wouldn't be having this conversation if I were pregnant". I resent that at times, I resent my body for that sometimes, but it is what is and we will be a mommy and daddy, just like those that are pregnant and that is the miracle in all of this. I am just coming off a week of being emotionally drained, but know I can be a mommy because I could handle more if I had to, and that's what being a mom is all about. Stay tuned to a hopeful post of being matched with a birthmom in the near future. I again thank all of my family and friends for all of their support and a special thanks to my mom who has been a victim to many emotional phone calls from me this week, she is the BEST!

Welcome to Holland

The poem below was read at our adoption ed class yesterday and couldn't have said it better myself for what we are going through in our journey!

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

by Emily Perl Kingsley

Bittersweet Christmas

Christmas is so bittersweet for me this year. The last few years have been so hard because I kept saying to myself, "well I am sure I will be pregnant or with child for next Christmas" and then disappointed year after year. This year I am not pregnant AGAIN, but we now have new direction with our journey into adoption and that is such a great feeling. I still feel that sufferage of disappointment that I don't have a cute belly or have ultrasounds to share with family and friends. And once again its a year of friends and family members sharing theirs with me(jealousy can eat one up and has been my biggest struggle through all of this).

This Christmas I do get to share our news of adopting with family and that is exciting. I am though overwhelmed with our first pile of paperwork needs to be complete in 3 weeks before we start our Adoption Education classes. Seems like the holidays have shaved off that extra time for us to get started on that. Also have to start making our Family Scrapbook that will be presented to Birthmoms that may choose our resumes(*gosh, just writing this overwhelms me)! But I know I will get all I need done and my little sister has offered to help me with the scrapbook, bless her heart.

This Christmas will be different than the past three in that I won't feel hopeless and pained. I know that things are getting better because, I had no problem with my mom saying we were going to the Children's Christmas Service this year. In the past I would have avoided it. I can only hope this year only gets better and better. I would have to agree with the cliche "all of this will make you stronger" because I do feel stronger than ever and ready to be a mommy more than ever!!! Again, I thank my family and friends for the ongoing support and words of compassion you offer and provide me, I am truly blessed!

Funny how I love to write and even to the point I minored in Creative Writing in college but never felt comfortable in my work nor did I get much postive reinforcement for my works. I have friends and family that do blogs and other such things that read so smooth and impress me so. I am nervous in doing this and feel I am taking a chance to expose the stories in my life and it's circumstance, but feel it would benefit me therapeutically and hope others as well.

My main reason for doing this is to increase awareness of infertility (going on 3yrs) and endometriosis and the pain it can cause in ones life. I was born to be a mom, I grew up with my children's names and faces imprinted into my dreams and thoughts. I was the one who thought I would try a couple months and my family would begin. Into a year of trying I noticed I was getting extreme pelvic pain and ended up in the ER with a doctor stating "you shouldn't be using the ER for such silly things". I was so frustrated! I then decided to meet with a OBGYN (we had just moved to Green Bay) and he said "sounds like endometriosis, best thing is getting pregnant and that will help". So we went to town on trying again, pain and all! Needless to say it was getting worse and no positve pregnacy tests.

Finally, 6months (Sept 08) later he suggested a Laprascopic Surgery to explore what could be wrong and afterwards found nothing wrong. I was like "you really have to be kidding me with all this pain?!" Dec 08 I switched to a reproductive endocrinologist and he did blood tests (again! no insurance coverage in WI re: fertility) and really couldn't find anything but a slight FSH/LH ratio switch. So again told us to continue to try, and again the pain continued. After an ultrasound a mass (later to be found an endometrioma) was found on my ovary and he wanted to follow it because it appeared solid. It did not shrink and he decided surgery needed to happen again. June 09 I had another surgery to remove the mass and a TON of endometriosis was found all over the back of my uterus and ovaries and he removed as much as he could.

I was in greater pain after the surgery and then referred to PT for the pelvic pain. The pelvic pain has improved, but now I have suffered from chronic sciatica, which can be associated with endometriosis (tried chiro before that, no go). And I continue to suffer from that which is awful with a job as a mental health therapist that has to sit all day. Going on month 3 of PT with little improvement. But wait!...I don't want this to be about my medical woes, b/c the worse pain in all of this is I cannot be a mommy and it has teared my heart apart through and through!

Bonus in all of this is, it has made my dear husband and I so close and strong. Our marriage has its regular feats, but I love this man for seeing me through one of the most toughest battles ever. In October 09 we put in an application for LSS adoption program. They only pick from the applicants randomly to actually just be accepted to start their program twice a year (Nov and May) and we go picked and couldn't believe it! We now start a completely different journey than we anticipated, but I couldn't be more excited but yet scared.

I know I know, so waiting for the comments, "you will get pregnant now that you are adopting!" And if so, great! But I know my endo is pretty bad with some slight hormone issues and I am done waiting. When I was a little girl we use to drive past LSS (the same LSS we are going thru) and I would say to my mom, "I don't care if I have my own I want to adopt!" So I do see this as a blessing in diguise and thank God everyday for the blessings I do have and thank him for the support we have received through all of this! That is all for now, but I hope to continue to share my journey and that others can relate and maybe even be inspired!