Keep in mind I started writing this post beginning of March of this year and am finishing it up now in August. Please bear with the length, but its a good picure of what we have endured the past six months, good and bad, with all good endings:
I haven't posted in ages because my life has been a plethra of good and bad chaos! Let's start with the good! His name is Quinn Nicholas Donald Van Ess and he was born January 17th and one hour after he was born he was placed in our arms and we've been with him ever since. Our adoption match happend so quickly. Our port was being looked at on a Wednesday. Thursday morning as I was getting ready for work my husband surprised me by walking in the door (he was already at work) saying, "Your gonna be a mommy". I was in shock and said something to the effect of "screw you, your kidding me!" Followed by hugs, kisses and tears of joy!
We packed up and left the following morning to the other side of the state and that evening walked into a beautifully Christmas decorated home that was warm and cozy. Nothing of what I expected. Birthmom is 19 years old and living with her very loving and supportive parents. It was black and white experience compared to what we had experienced through our failed adoption! We sat in their beautiful living room and talked for 3 hours. I felt as if I were hanging out with my own family! At the end she looked at us with tears and told us that she chose us and wanted us to be the parents of her unborn child. It was an undescribable feeling. As we got into the car my husband looked at me and said, "You know I'm not overly religious, but thank you God for giving us this!"
That Friday night we stayed at a hotel and drove back the next morning to get the house ready, because she was being induced that Monday evening. Monday we drove back and stayed at another hotel to wait for the phone call. Needless to say not a whole lot of sleep happened that night.
The next day we explored this tiny little town they live in. We ran out of places to go and by early afternoon ended up in a grocery store coffee shop. My cell phone rang around 1:30 and it was her mom telling to get over to the hospital, because she was getting close. They put us in a waiting room with birthmom's dad and a couple of her girlfriends came in later. All of them so warm and welcoming to us. Baby was born around 2:50pm. Family and friends spent that first hour with them and then we went in at 4:00p. Birthmom was holding him and handed him to me and I my eyes just teared up full of joy and sadness for her. He was absolutely beautiful and perfect! They asked us what we wanted to name him. We told them Quinn and gave him two middle names, because we wanted one to connect to her and her family. Nicholas is what her mom told us was going to be birthmom's name when they thought she was going to be a boy and because of both our loves for Christmas, St. Nicholas. Donald is after my dad, Sean's grandpa and his dad's middle name.
They then let us take Quinn to another hospital room where the hospital let us stay as if we had just given birth to him. His temp was down so they let me lie on the hospital bed and placed him skin to skin on my chest to warm him up. It was so surreal and I never ever thought I would experience beginning of motherhood this way due to not being able to bear my own. The nursing staff was amazing and treated us no different than any other new parents on the unit.
Honestly, after we left the hosptial (4 hour drive back home), everything is quite a blur. It was a month of lots of visitors of friends and family coming in and out; I loved every minute of sharing our bliss with them. Mid-February things then took a surpring turn, again! Sean had some chest tightness return. After an ER visit this past November he was diagnosed with a bi-lateral valve in which he was born with and also an aneurysum was found (measuring about 4.3, 5.0 was when to be worried) in his aortic arch most likely from the leakiness from the valve. He was told it would need to be monitored and most likely looking at a valve replacement in next 10 years or so. He complained of back pain all weekend and I forced him to schedule with his cardio that day and another CAT scan was ordered. Results were given him to that Tuesday that his anerysum had grown to 4.9 from 4.3 in 2 and a 1/2 months and the surgeon called us that night. We met with the surgeon that next day which was a Wednesday and he was in surgery prep that Friday morning for open heart surgery.
I can't even describe to you where I was mentally and emotionally. I was a new mom taking care of newborn I waited so long for and dreamed of and now my husband was having a major surgery where they would be taking out his heart to replace his valve with a mechanical one and removing an anerysum. I was in adrenaline do what ya gotta do mode. I was so fortunate to have my dear friend, Lily (who we refer to as Auntie Lily, bless her heart) who took care of Quinn and while my parents stayed with me at the hospital during the operation.
All went well with the surgery, but for any of you that have seen someone after an open heart surgery, it is scary. Sean is usually healthier than anyone I know and now looking helpless, eyes fluttering in and out while signing with his hands he loves me because he has tubes in everywhere else and can't talk. I still cry while even typing this, because I still can't even grasp it really happend. I went home at night to be with the baby, but I would get phone calls and texts throughout the night how lonely and uncomfortable he was. Unfortunately his parents live in California during the winter and couldn't fly home at that time. I tried to be with him as much as possible. He loved it when I brought Quinn and he would walk me and Quinn around the unit to show his new family off. That sweet baby was a driving force for him to get out and home. He was released from the hospital 4 days after his surgery, which is unheard of, but dr. stated with youth and drive on his side he was able to.
Thankfully I was on maternity leave yet to take care him and the baby. Family and friends were simply amazing staying overnight helping me with feedings. And fortuanately, Quinn is such a GOOD baby! It was hard watching Sean during his recovery, because he's never been one to lay in bed and not be able to do anything. It was a slower process than we'd like, but he did get better and was back to work by April. He does have to be on Coumadin the rest of his life which is a drug that limits his diet and he really has to watch not being in a position of anything that would cause internal bleeding. All I know is God is good and his life was saved. The surgeon shared that if he hadn't had the surgery, most likely he wouldn't made it through the year. Still to this day we think of that statement and realize how lucky we are!
So as you can see my title of New Beginnings applies to not only parenthood, but new health and life. Quinn's birthfamily is simply amazing. They will be part of Quinn's life and our family and he will see them a few times each year. This past June they met my and Sean's family and it was wonderful! Quinn, well he is simply the best thing ever. I knew I would love being a mom, but oh my gosh do I freaking love being a mom. He has our hearts forever! I know my years of previous posts and blog enteries of our journey have displayed me at my worse full of bitterness, depressed and so angry at times! So many of you tolerated and encouraged me that our miracle would happen. I was so frustrated with the when and how, but this is the path God created for us. We have become so strong as a couple and now as a family. In the future I hope for our family to grow even more, but for now I sit mindfully blessed and at peace that I am a mom to the best son ever and a wife to one of the most amazing men!
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