Christmas is so bittersweet for me this year. The last few years have been so hard because I kept saying to myself, "well I am sure I will be pregnant or with child for next Christmas" and then disappointed year after year. This year I am not pregnant AGAIN, but we now have new direction with our journey into adoption and that is such a great feeling. I still feel that sufferage of disappointment that I don't have a cute belly or have ultrasounds to share with family and friends. And once again its a year of friends and family members sharing theirs with me(jealousy can eat one up and has been my biggest struggle through all of this).
This Christmas I do get to share our news of adopting with family and that is exciting. I am though overwhelmed with our first pile of paperwork needs to be complete in 3 weeks before we start our Adoption Education classes. Seems like the holidays have shaved off that extra time for us to get started on that. Also have to start making our Family Scrapbook that will be presented to Birthmoms that may choose our resumes(*gosh, just writing this overwhelms me)! But I know I will get all I need done and my little sister has offered to help me with the scrapbook, bless her heart.
This Christmas will be different than the past three in that I won't feel hopeless and pained. I know that things are getting better because, I had no problem with my mom saying we were going to the Children's Christmas Service this year. In the past I would have avoided it. I can only hope this year only gets better and better. I would have to agree with the cliche "all of this will make you stronger" because I do feel stronger than ever and ready to be a mommy more than ever!!! Again, I thank my family and friends for the ongoing support and words of compassion you offer and provide me, I am truly blessed!
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Funny how I love to write and even to the point I minored in Creative Writing in college but never felt comfortable in my work nor did I get much postive reinforcement for my works. I have friends and family that do blogs and other such things that read so smooth and impress me so. I am nervous in doing this and feel I am taking a chance to expose the stories in my life and it's circumstance, but feel it would benefit me therapeutically and hope others as well.
My main reason for doing this is to increase awareness of infertility (going on 3yrs) and endometriosis and the pain it can cause in ones life. I was born to be a mom, I grew up with my children's names and faces imprinted into my dreams and thoughts. I was the one who thought I would try a couple months and my family would begin. Into a year of trying I noticed I was getting extreme pelvic pain and ended up in the ER with a doctor stating "you shouldn't be using the ER for such silly things". I was so frustrated! I then decided to meet with a OBGYN (we had just moved to Green Bay) and he said "sounds like endometriosis, best thing is getting pregnant and that will help". So we went to town on trying again, pain and all! Needless to say it was getting worse and no positve pregnacy tests.
Finally, 6months (Sept 08) later he suggested a Laprascopic Surgery to explore what could be wrong and afterwards found nothing wrong. I was like "you really have to be kidding me with all this pain?!" Dec 08 I switched to a reproductive endocrinologist and he did blood tests (again! no insurance coverage in WI re: fertility) and really couldn't find anything but a slight FSH/LH ratio switch. So again told us to continue to try, and again the pain continued. After an ultrasound a mass (later to be found an endometrioma) was found on my ovary and he wanted to follow it because it appeared solid. It did not shrink and he decided surgery needed to happen again. June 09 I had another surgery to remove the mass and a TON of endometriosis was found all over the back of my uterus and ovaries and he removed as much as he could.
I was in greater pain after the surgery and then referred to PT for the pelvic pain. The pelvic pain has improved, but now I have suffered from chronic sciatica, which can be associated with endometriosis (tried chiro before that, no go). And I continue to suffer from that which is awful with a job as a mental health therapist that has to sit all day. Going on month 3 of PT with little improvement. But wait!...I don't want this to be about my medical woes, b/c the worse pain in all of this is I cannot be a mommy and it has teared my heart apart through and through!
Bonus in all of this is, it has made my dear husband and I so close and strong. Our marriage has its regular feats, but I love this man for seeing me through one of the most toughest battles ever. In October 09 we put in an application for LSS adoption program. They only pick from the applicants randomly to actually just be accepted to start their program twice a year (Nov and May) and we go picked and couldn't believe it! We now start a completely different journey than we anticipated, but I couldn't be more excited but yet scared.
I know I know, so waiting for the comments, "you will get pregnant now that you are adopting!" And if so, great! But I know my endo is pretty bad with some slight hormone issues and I am done waiting. When I was a little girl we use to drive past LSS (the same LSS we are going thru) and I would say to my mom, "I don't care if I have my own I want to adopt!" So I do see this as a blessing in diguise and thank God everyday for the blessings I do have and thank him for the support we have received through all of this! That is all for now, but I hope to continue to share my journey and that others can relate and maybe even be inspired!
My main reason for doing this is to increase awareness of infertility (going on 3yrs) and endometriosis and the pain it can cause in ones life. I was born to be a mom, I grew up with my children's names and faces imprinted into my dreams and thoughts. I was the one who thought I would try a couple months and my family would begin. Into a year of trying I noticed I was getting extreme pelvic pain and ended up in the ER with a doctor stating "you shouldn't be using the ER for such silly things". I was so frustrated! I then decided to meet with a OBGYN (we had just moved to Green Bay) and he said "sounds like endometriosis, best thing is getting pregnant and that will help". So we went to town on trying again, pain and all! Needless to say it was getting worse and no positve pregnacy tests.
Finally, 6months (Sept 08) later he suggested a Laprascopic Surgery to explore what could be wrong and afterwards found nothing wrong. I was like "you really have to be kidding me with all this pain?!" Dec 08 I switched to a reproductive endocrinologist and he did blood tests (again! no insurance coverage in WI re: fertility) and really couldn't find anything but a slight FSH/LH ratio switch. So again told us to continue to try, and again the pain continued. After an ultrasound a mass (later to be found an endometrioma) was found on my ovary and he wanted to follow it because it appeared solid. It did not shrink and he decided surgery needed to happen again. June 09 I had another surgery to remove the mass and a TON of endometriosis was found all over the back of my uterus and ovaries and he removed as much as he could.
I was in greater pain after the surgery and then referred to PT for the pelvic pain. The pelvic pain has improved, but now I have suffered from chronic sciatica, which can be associated with endometriosis (tried chiro before that, no go). And I continue to suffer from that which is awful with a job as a mental health therapist that has to sit all day. Going on month 3 of PT with little improvement. But wait!...I don't want this to be about my medical woes, b/c the worse pain in all of this is I cannot be a mommy and it has teared my heart apart through and through!
Bonus in all of this is, it has made my dear husband and I so close and strong. Our marriage has its regular feats, but I love this man for seeing me through one of the most toughest battles ever. In October 09 we put in an application for LSS adoption program. They only pick from the applicants randomly to actually just be accepted to start their program twice a year (Nov and May) and we go picked and couldn't believe it! We now start a completely different journey than we anticipated, but I couldn't be more excited but yet scared.
I know I know, so waiting for the comments, "you will get pregnant now that you are adopting!" And if so, great! But I know my endo is pretty bad with some slight hormone issues and I am done waiting. When I was a little girl we use to drive past LSS (the same LSS we are going thru) and I would say to my mom, "I don't care if I have my own I want to adopt!" So I do see this as a blessing in diguise and thank God everyday for the blessings I do have and thank him for the support we have received through all of this! That is all for now, but I hope to continue to share my journey and that others can relate and maybe even be inspired!
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